25 years of wise knowledge

Happy 25th Birthday to Britney! Without her, no one would have worn trampy school girl outfits, seen Madonna kiss a lady (haha, J/K), or ever heard Popozao. Our world is better with her in it.

So Britney, on your 25th, I wish you lots of luck, love, and happiness. Yeah, not so much. What I truly wish for you is a transformation of expolosive magnitude, to get you to be the girl in the picture above once again. Paris cant get that for you. Nor any weave off Ken Paves' line. Only YOU ALONE can make this miracle happen! L'Chaim!

the next Norah Jones...only with personality as wel

The video above stars the beautiful and talented Meetu Chilana, who I am a big fan of. You may have seen her on MTV and Verizon commercials, and I now promise that she's going to be BIG! I listen to this song and watch the video whenever I need to be put into a peaceful mood (which, in Manhattan, is often.) So, ENJOY!

oh geez

Doesnt Tori Spelling realize that pregnancy is the perfect time for cute fashion w/o worrying about the perfect body to go with the fashion? Why on earth would you walk around looking like that??? Also, pregnancy realllly doesnt agree with her face...just saying...

?Celebrity? Verbal Vomit of the Day...

Gwyneth "I am royalty; bow down to me" Paltrow has decided to yet again let us know how much she hates America and how the English carry on much better dinner conversations, saying:

"The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans.”


Well Ms. Paltrow, if you feel like that, why dont you ask the English movie studios to pay you the ridiculous undeserved amount of $$$ you get for shitty movies. Us dumb uncivilized Americans would much rather watch movies starring John Goodman and Anna Nicole Smith.

ps: Is this this the Englishman you have ravishing dinner conversations with?:

My ballroom teacher is not dating Willa Ford, in case you cared!

Ok, so I'm pretty sure no more than 3 people out there will care about this but former Dancing with the Stars contestant Willa Ford got engaged to Dallas Stars hockey player Mike Modano, with whom she's been seeing on and off for 4 years. This comes after all those people who LOVE Dancing with the Stars started believing or trying to believe that a romance was blossoming between herself and her professional dance partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

Now she says to People Magazine: "Maks and I were definitely close and we still are, but I kept saying that it's going to be a shocker to everybody when they find out (I'm engaged to Mike,) Every week I told people the truth – we were close, we hung out – but the show loved to fuel the relationship."

Ok, so I was just as bored writing that as you were reading it, but the only reason I care is because Maksim was actually my ballroom dancing instructor for about a year in New Jersey. So I'm pretty much a celebrity. And if you were wondering, he really is that self-centered, arrogant, and horny for hot blondes.

I bet you cant see me behind these cashmere tunics!

What could be so important as to prompt Nicole Richie to sit between the racks of clothes at Marc Jacobs to make a phonecall? Possibilities:

-Calling Paris to be all like "You will not believe what Britney said about you" so that all can get back to normal in this world
-Calling Marc Jacobs himself to see if he can reduce the size 0 to a size -2 or -4 at least
-Calling Lindsay who she now sponsers in AA to remind her that Rum is NOT a food group
-Calling Rachel Zoe to leave fart noises on her voicemail

Growing Pains: Meg Ryan

grew up to become

I dont know why but Meg Ryan has severely bothered me ever since probably right after Sleepless in Seattle. The quirks she possessed before that, like during When Harry Met Sally, became the mosy ANNOYING things in the world ever since. Like, for instance, WALK LIKE A GIRL! PRACTICE GOOD POSTURE! DONT PUCKER YOUR LIPS! Ahhh, I could go on and on....

Perhaps NA would be a better 'fit' for Linds......

..... isn't the story that Lindsay is always coked up wherever she goes, whatever she does? I'm sure she's also drunk most of those times, but AA seems like an interesting choice. I have a great amount of respect for AA, NA, DA, OA etc. - but do they really let random people wander into meetings after they've partied all night at Hyde "to feel safe?" If yes, I mean good for them, but I'm sure other people have serious problems they'd like to talk about. And not listen to "so, yeah, then that c*nt Paris slugged me so I just had to go to the paparazzi and tell. Did I tell you my mom snorted all the good sh*t I had in my room with Oprah? Oops, I meant she's the white Oprah. Then I had a bottle of Jack. Can't you tell, my voice is so raspy? Be adequate guys."

I'm so over this

Don't they pick a sexiest man alive every year? Yeah, they do. So why is it that in past years I don't remember being bombarded with pictures of the winner over and over and over again? I'm SO sick of George, George, George.

YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT!!!!!

Sweet Dreams...

I'm a huge fan of Dolce & Gabbana and an even bigger fan of their ads. This is one of my favorites. Have some sweet - yet demented - dreams!

is THIS what you wanted?

Britney's big comeback - WOOPADYDOOPADY!!! So Brit's comeback consists of hanging out with human STDs (Paris, Lindsay, and even Brandon Davis?!?), wearing the same old tired weaves and horrible fashions of the KFed era, flashing bojina's left and right, being the butt of every joke, and child neglect? Golf clap.

perfection

I'm in love.

hurray for panties!

Honestly, I have never been so happy to see undies in my life! Thank you, Pink, and please call up dear Britney and share your cooch-hiding secrets.

Growing Pains: Jean Claude Van Damme

grew up to become

umm....wow?

So, I'm going to join a gym like RIGHT NOW and also call up that fugly kid from 3rd grade who used to chase me around trying to kiss me and see if he was just suffering from "Van Damme Syndrome"....

killing rare pink polar bears for a fugly outfit is just cruel

Will Mariah EVER grow up and get a better stylist? Also, I would jump on the whole "She's sporting a baby bump, could she sperminated?" bandwagon, but with Mariah, its just plain chunk.

normal is a good look for them

You know, I've actually gotten used to the whole TomKat thing. Real or fake, they are at least acting like a normal loving family and I cant say that about many of the people I write about (ahem, the Lohan tribe). Here are Tom, Kate (she's a mature child-bearing woman you know), and Suri leaving the Maldives (where they ALL honeymooned), due to bad weather. Keep it up!

Sweet Dreams....

I attended college in bumblef*ck, Pennsylvania. Although a city girl at heart (I have luckily returned - for good - to NYC), I came to appreciate a PA staple: Wawa. 24 hours of CHEAP coffee and midnight munchies. The shady mofo's who loitered outside were just an added bonus. Dreaming of you tonight, Wawa.

thank you, Craigslist

I love Craigslist, not just because of all the great services it offers but also the stage it gives to some complete WEIRDOS out there!!!

For example, this post:

Do YOU know what a TEA PARTY iss? - m4ww - 38 (Murray Hill)

LADIES (by which I mean there are more than one of you):
Do you remember those TEA PARTIES you used to have with your dollssss? All of you sitting on little pink chairs, drinking pretend tea and eating cucumber sandwiches that your mom cut the crusts off of???
LET ME RECREATE THAT FOR YOU!!!!! BUT SEXILY!!!
I am NOT A PERVERT. I just know what you LADIES want. I will give you a sexy tea party you will not EVER FORGET.
I am a very good looking, older gentlemen with an impressive doll collection. You can be a group of sorority sisters who love to drink<<>>. HAHA
I will host.


LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (somehow, I picture George Clooney...odd)

Speaking of Nicole...

She sat a fat man's lap and told the world what she wished them for the holiday season. Merry Xmas to you too, Ms. Richie.

hurray for weight gain!

Are we going to get quotes after every Blimpie sandwich Nicole Richie eats? Here is the first:

“She has (put on) at least 5 lbs.,” says a source close to the actress. “She wants to prove she’s trying to change.” The newly brunette Richie has even “distanced herself from a lot of (old) friends,” adds the source. Among those old friends is Rachel Zoe, 35, Richie’s stylist for the past three years, with whom Richie split last week.

I hate people who get too skinny and then every applauds their weight loss and then they start gaining weight and people celebrate their extra pounds. Celebs want to be celebrated for everything - each root canal, hair cut, and dump that they take. I'm so over it (no, I'm really not, but I'm over Nicole's weight. Seriously.)

Long live Courtney Love!

I LOVE this picture of Courtney Love on a balcony in London. I literally would like to be famous just to be able to sit on balconies smoking stoges in a Queen Elizabeth costume. In fact, even without fame, I NEED to put this on my to-do list!

Growing Pains: George Clooney

grew up to become

Mr. Sexiest Man Alive used to look like quite the little stoner...teehee.

the start of something beautiful...

....like a play-by-play of wedding planning details. Eva Longoria and Tony Parker got engaged. Eva's overworked PR rep made sure the whole world knew as soon as it happened and that we knew a bunch of other tidbits to keep us at the edge of our seats. Seriously, Eva gets her publicity ho to let us know when the relationship is on the rocks and when it's better. We know when Eva is sleeping and we know when she's awake; we know if she's been bad or good...well, you get the point.

ho ho ho

Ladies and Gentleman, it's official, the skank look is back in!

We're used to seeing Britney like this, but Jen Garner? (didn't they win most boring family of the month award a while back?!) She's increasingly looking more and more like Hilary (horse face) Swank, and that's NOT a good thing.

Jude and Steph Forever - Or, the NY Premier of "Holiday"

My friend Stephanie was lucky enough to be at the Premier of "Holiday" last night. She took some awesome pics she wanted to share with the world outside of her facebook:)

Steph says "the movie was amazing. Not only was the acting superb, you could really empathize with the characters. Love, laughter, happiness - the movie brought great holiday cheer; and Jude Law looked absolutely gorgeous. You won't be able to keep your eyes off of him the entire time. A must see, five stars!!"

P.s. Steph wants everyone to know that she made eye contact with Jude before this picture was taken for two minutes; sat fourteen rows in front of him at the premier and told him she was single!

Sweet Dreams...

Impossible to get, but sooo hot...

Utter Disappointment

At this point, just go back to Louisiana and work at WalMart or something. You're SO over.

I hope she has her daddy's nose

Just kidding. Big congratulations to Sophia Coppola and her bf Thomas Mars (who? yeah) who welcomed a baby girl yesterday. They named her Romy, after Sophia's brother, Roman.

I cant help it but anytime I hear the name "Romy" (I know, it doesn't happen often), I think of "Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion!" - that movie is a classic. I bet it's Sophia's favorite.

Ms. Puffy-Face Sour-Puss

Can't you look nice like ONCE?! Stop taking lessons from Jennifer "I hate the world" Aniston.

What's black & white and skank all over?

These guys!

Say it isn't so! (eh, whatever)

Word is that Prince William will probably get engaged to (boring as f*ck) Kate Middleton sometime soon. Friends of the couple are saying that it isn't an issue of if, it's a question of when.

The story includes some crap about Kate not being formally groomed for the future, blah blah and that they're a strong couple.

What did everyone expect? That William's been dating someone for five years who he isn't even serious about? This is really not even news.

News would be a shirtless Harry appearing on the corner of 5th ave and 12th st, applying to law school.

(Get used to my negativity concerning this subject. I'm blogging all the royal fam news from now on, since this is too sensitive a subject for Di.)

Could it be?

Kevin Federline went out with friends to Mr. Chow last night and actually looked good. Meanwhile, his estranged wife was somewhere else showing off her bojina to anything with a flash.

suuuuch a cutie

I think Hugh Jackman is hot (x-men) and at the same time adorable, as in this picture of him promoting "Flushed Away" - he's just totally dreamy!

Growing Pains: Cher

grew up to become

Sometimes less is more.

Porn Star lovin?

Star magazine claims Kevin Federline had an affair with former porn star Kendra Jade a month before Britney Spears filed for divorce from him, which lead to the demise of the relationship. The two met in Las Vegas in December 2005 while Britney was visiting her family in Lousiana and apparently stayed in touch to have sex.

"Kev and Kendra had sex at their friends' apartment multiple times, starting in early October," a source told the tab. "Their friend would phone Kendra and a few other girls to come hang out, and it would always end up with Kevin and Kendra heading off to the spare bedroom!" Now that K-Fed is a single guy, will he and Jade become a couple? Not likely, says the source, explaining, "They're just friends who have sex." When contacted for comment by Star, Jade said only, "I'm in a committed relationship."

Although I do think that such an act of adultry is despicable and absolutely disgusting (2 babies! 2 babies!), I'd like you all to compare the top picture (of Kendra) with the bottom picture (of Britney during their marriage).

Runners up for the more boring family of the month.

Between mama Maggie, papa Peter, and uncle Jake, Ramona has no chance of being even slightly interesting or exciting. In fact, we STILL have not seen her. It is a celebrity's CIVIC duty to showcase their newborn children. Do NOT fight me on this. I'm practically a lawyer.

The queen of fab

Madonna is a goddess, and I'll say it again.
With all of this Brit/Paris/Linds drama, I feel like we need a break. Here is Madonna at her finest, just chillin and looking fabulous without trying.

AHHH BRITNEY PROBLEMS EVERYWHERE!

I am going to have trouble sleeping tonight with all of the Britney shit I've been put through in the past two weeks or so. Everywhere I look I see sad Britney pics, such as the poor poor fashion choices (see below) or the fact that she let's Sean Preston hang out with Paris (see above). Children should be protected from STDs at the earliest age. And also, WHERE THE HELL IS JAYDEN JAMES?!?! GIVE US A PICTURE GODDAMNIT!

celebs are indecisive

LOVE or HATE?!? Just a few weeks ago, Shanna Moekler had a field day with her separation from Travis Barker by hosting a divorce party in Vegas (complete with a disturbingly morbid cake - see archives)....meanwhile, Travis ripped Shanna a new one any chance he got.

But now, they are having dinner together?!?!?!?! WHY ARE THEY TOGETHER?!?!?! Shouldnt they be blasting each other on their MySpace pages or something?